A screen adaptation of ‘The Lord Of the Rings’
Starring the Marx Brothers

Scene: The forest of Lorien. GALADRIEL is seated on a throne. To her right is GROUCHO, dressed as Gandalf. To her left are HARPO and CHICO. HARPO is dressed as a hobbit and wears a fake beard which was obviously meant for Gandalf. CHICO is dressed partly as a dwarf, and partly as an elf, with a horned Viking helmet thrown in for good measure.

GALADRIEL:
Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed your stay in Lorien.

GROUCHO:
I’ll say! And we took some great pictures of the elven-girls, but they weren’t developed. So we’ll have to come back later.

GALADRIEL:
(hiding embarrassment) Well, the Fellowship is always welcome.

GROUCHO:

You know, if we added some frills we could open up a dandy bed and breakfast here. Why, we could offer a fifty-cent supper that'd really knock their eyes out. And once we knocked their eyes out, we could charge ‘em anything we liked.

GALADRIEL:

Oh, please be serious! Gentlemen, this is Middle-earth’s darkest hour. Danger lurks everywhere!

GROUCHO:

It sure does! Why, just the other day I fought a Balrog in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

GALADRIEL:

Um...each of you must go and do his duty. But you shall go with the blessing of Galadriel. I shall give you...a phial!

(HARPO produces a file)

CHICO:
Look, he'sa got one already. Atsa good, atsa nice.

GROUCHO:

Yes, it came in handy when they sentenced him to twelve years in Leavenworth. Or maybe it was leven years in Twelveworth.

CHICO:

Maybe it was five and ten in Woolworth. Hey, lady! You got any tootsie-fruitsie ice cream?

GALADRIEL:
Why, no! But have you tried lembas?

CHICO:

Only lembas I know is Christopher Colembas, and he’sa no born ‘till 1492.

GALADRIEL:
No, no! It's eleven bread. And I made it myself.

GROUCHO:

Yes, I can see you bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove. (suddenly passionate) Oh, darling! Can't you see that I love you? Will you marry me, my dear? Is it true that you've tucked away a Silmaril? Answer the second question first.

GALADRIEL:
Sir! This is bigamy!

GROUCHO:
Yes, and it’s big o’ me, too. But let’s be big, shall we? Why, I can almost see our apple-cheeked children tripping over their long white beards on their way to reform school.

GALADRIEL:
Sir! I am speechless.

GROUCHO:
Stay that way, and we’ll get along fine. I’m picturing a small ceremony, just you and me and several thousand Riders of Rohan. No, just the horses. No, just the horseflies.

(HARPO extracts the Ring from his mouth and offers it to Galadriel on bended
knee)

CHICO:
Hey, look! He’sa wanna get married, too!

GROUCHO:

(addressing the audience) Folks, I’m stuck in the middle of a quest, but there’s no reason the rest of you can’t sneak out to the lobby for a minute. And maybe you could bring me back a box of Raisinettes.

CHICO:
And tootsie-fruitsie ice cream, if they got it.

(HARPO honks a horn)

GROUCHO:
And a duck egg.

(HARPO honks again)

GROUCHO:
That's two duck eggs. (To HARPO) Hey, I know a guy who looks like a lot like
you. His name is Frodo Baggins.

CHICO:
He’sa Frodo Baggins.

GROUCHO:
Okay, but I still see a resemblance.

CHICO (to HARPO):
He thinks you look alike. Ha, ha!

GALADRIEL:

(regaining composure after a brief internal struggle) No, I shall never take the Ring! I pass my test! I shall go into the West, and remain Galadriel!

GROUCHO:

Well, I’m riel-galad to hear you say that. Say, have we been introduced? The name is Olorin, but you can call me Mithrandir. No, you can call me Gandalf. On second thought, you can call me a taxi. Taxi, taxi!

GALADRIEL:
Heavens, there are no taxis in the forest!

CHICO:
Then we’ll hail a lembas-ine! Ha, ha! Atsa good one.

(The three begin to exit)

GALADRIEL:
Where will you go, my heroes?

GROUCHO:
Mount Doom. If you're ever in the neighborhood...

GROUCHO and CHICO:
Drop in!

(HARPO honks. Exit the Fellowship)

BACK TO FAN CREATIVE WRITINGS HOME