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Mistakes we hope Peter Jackson will avoid in filming Lord of the Rings
by Steven S

Confuse plot with Lord of the Flies.
Gender benders - Gandalf or Sam is female.
Gratuitous chase scenes inserted.
Exploding helicopters.
Galadriel looks like she came out of a Boris Vallejo painting.
Muppets used for Orcs; Frank Oz does Gollum's voice.
Give Frodo fairy wings to escape the exploding volcano.
Use the approach for the first Star Trek movie - hours of slow special effects
and minutes of dialog.
Pamella Lee as anyone.
The Knights who say "Ni" as Ents.
Saruman of Many Colors wearing Tie-dye.
Gimli armed with chain saw.
Elves with very pointy shoes
Sound track by Ice T, Puff Daddy, Zamphir, Wayne Newton, or ABBA.
Sauron is Frodo's evil twin & the climax is their fight.
Gollum is undercover spy for Valar.
Sauron is CEO of evil, polluting multinational corporation.
Hobbits wear Nike.
Smoking pipes replaced with chewing gum for health reasons.
Special effects in the style of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"
Modern cliches and dialog
All the bad guys have the same voice from a GI Joe cartoon.
WWF stars as the nine black riders
Bombadil, Elrond, and Galadriel compressed into one character and scene
Witch king is actually Eowyn's abusive father.
Chariot race scene added to give video game tie-in.
Frodo confronts Sauron & lectures him on the evils of war. Sauron agrees & they
become fast friends.
Lord of the Rings - The Musical! (Rogers & Hammerstien type)
Whole focus of trilogy is shifted to Gollum.
Saruman has wise-cracking parrot sidekick for comic relief.
In manner of Yoda does Gandalf speak.
Camera work ala' NYPD Blue - too close up & moving around, making viewers sick.
All swords make swooshing noise when they are swung (Xena, Hercules).
As has been coined elsewhere: XenArwen.
Hobbits have rabbit ears.
Frodo dream sequence including modern-day stuff.
Gandalf is time-traveler with a palm-top computer.
Torrid, steamy elf love scenes.
Orc nudity (Please! No!!!).
Accents from Brooklyn, the U.S. deep south, or cockney.
Burping monsters
"I have a bad feeling about this..."

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